What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 01:13
I was 9 years of age.
One cannot live in the past .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Shouldn’t there be a short porn platform like TikTok?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
What caused the decline of the Soprano crew?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Would you raise your children like your parents raised you?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Ive learnt so much.
Can you share a picture of your favorite outfit and explain why you love it?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My family never makes their pension either.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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We all went to grammer schools
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I waited trembling.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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Put me off passion for life!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He knew the spot.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
When she asked me how she looked .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My life is so biszare .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He resisted the act ,that day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So whats the point in blame.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im still living with it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So, i spoilt her more .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Who then, do I blame.?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But, we were locked up after school.
Comes on , in middle age.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But it wasn’t much.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It was going to be , some day.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I think the readers, may guess!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was very sick at this time too.
What did i know ?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I will be 64.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She found it foreign!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I couldn’t, believe it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Would this be the day?
(And it was in our own minds.)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
This is soul school!.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I said to her
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I don,t even have a pension.
We were not on the streets..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I never cut or harmed myself..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I have no regrets .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was seconnd youngest,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
All the time i was locked up.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She married twice! .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was scared of men, in general
She loved him until the end.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was in good health!
And i lived it daily.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.